Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
You Might Also Like
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
my first day as a raccoon
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”