My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
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Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
decorating my apartment
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.