My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
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[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.![]()
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
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asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.