Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
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We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Weirdos gonna weird.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations