No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
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I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
The Sun
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Weirdos gonna weird.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”