I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
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Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Great game to play with friends
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.