I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
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Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
She puts the hot in psychotic
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
My whole life was a lie.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.