“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
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That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.