[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick![]()
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3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
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It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
There is no “we” in pizza
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Steam Forums
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I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
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my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.