Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!

when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.

May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*

[applies for name change]

June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*

[leaves the country]

Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope

Doctor: stethoscope

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?

If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.

Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?

[ouija board]

Who are you?

*board begins spelling*

G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O

What the — a Luigi Board?!

W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E

I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.

Stop undressing me with your eyes!!

Use your teeth.

Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.

It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.

The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him

You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.

Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.

Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”

DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?

ME: it’s a tip

DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight

ME: *hands him $20 bill*

I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.

Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.

Me: That is a dank whale

Date: That’s a killer whale

Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce

Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude

Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.

Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.

[being eaten alive by cannibals]

cannibal: is he… joining in?