[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
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I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
This is the best one I’ve seen
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
something like this could probably happen to anyone
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.