*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
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My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”