Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
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I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Mmmm. Shoeshi
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017