My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
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Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Follow me for more fitness tips.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so