Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
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Cats are still liquid.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Mornin. * use accordingly
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.