You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
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My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.