Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
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If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.