guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
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Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.