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found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
The first one, obviously
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.