Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
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Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.