Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
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Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.