Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
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Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.