the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
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kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.