My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
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Hey! This isn’t my car!
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.