I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
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I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.