14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
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A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
just witnessed a drug deal
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod