My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
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I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
#oldknees
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.