Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
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No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.