Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
You Might Also Like
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
This week’s mood.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.