My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
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Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.