people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
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The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.