Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
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I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.