In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
You Might Also Like
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.