I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
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ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.