a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
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I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
We’re all getting idioter.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
crazy
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.