Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
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Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
birds and squirrels envy us
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Heroic Misunderstanding
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Meanwhile in Portland…