birds and squirrels envy us
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Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Is this a threat?
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
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