People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
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Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
My biological clock is wheezing.