One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
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chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?