DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
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Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
o shit
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
these two trucks have the same bed length
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.