Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
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My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday