The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
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“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
“HELP WITH CAT”
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Thank you corporation very cool
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.