@AnitaHelmet

Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.

Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…

Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.

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@ThRealBallsDeep

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*

@mattgallo123

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

@jus4golf

You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.

@huntigula

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

@TheHatStore

doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one

@TheRolo

Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.

@sixfootcandy

I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.

@LostFelicia

Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.

@TweetPotato314

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru