Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.

Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…

Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.

You Might Also Like


*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*



<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no


You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.


Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?


doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one


Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.


I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.


Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.


was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru