Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
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“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Welcome to the stomach
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
The three genders.