*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
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PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Born to be mild.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running