Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
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[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.