Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
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BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood