Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
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A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Seductively sings in Klingon.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.