Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
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Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
“Great, now I have to pee.”
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.