*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
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if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner