M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
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*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
who will stop them
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy