How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
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Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.