“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
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Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.