I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
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Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
philosophical skeletons be like
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
*orders delivery*
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.